As I look back on how I developed as a new mother these twenty years later, I can see that I clearly went through the five stages of grief on the road to acceptance of my new life. These stages, as described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have no idea if other mothers with special needs children experience the same, but it was so obvious in me that I would be surprised if it doesn’t happen to some degree in most. I imagine the grief was over the loss of that life that I had planned from the minute Dennis and I had decided to get married.
“There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.” David Kessler
Denial
The denial quite understandably continued through Ben’s entire first year. When there aren’t clear answers to what is going on, there is always the possibility that once the answer is found everything can be “fixed”. I believed this with my whole heart the first year of Ben’s life. The answer would be found and there would be something that could be done medically to correct the problems
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. Then we could get on with our “normal” life. There is no question in my mind that there is a purpose for these feelings. The denial and shock actually help us better cope with these situations. There was a lot to be done that first year, first keeping Ben alive and second, making sure he went to all of the doctor and therapy visits which were instrumental in building his strength. I believe this time of denial helped me to build my own strength to handle what was coming over the next few years.
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